Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway

Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.

*Turns on work computer*

*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*

*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*

When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.

If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.

I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.

Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.

I got jort-martialed

TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.

[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]

My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!

I always listen to podcasts while I’m cleaning my house. Even the dullest chore can be enjoyable if you clean your house at the same time.

H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?

Me: … … … Yes.

What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day

YOU: I murdered someone.

YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.

******************

YOU: I murdered someone.

YOUR CAT: Me too.

If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.

Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man

Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?

Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”

Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?

Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.

Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.

Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed

Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid

Sitting outside of a bar re-reading the Hinge profile of the dude I’m about to meet like I’m cramming for a test

If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.

If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.

*at the confessional

Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’

Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’

At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.

crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators

Just saw a toddler running past my house waving a red flag with their mom chasing after them and I’ve never seen a more accurate depiction of parenthood.

It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”

“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.