One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
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Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED