Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day after lying on my job application]

me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something

co-pilot: what

Pros and cons of doing something you love:

Pros: It’s something you love

Cons: Doing.

All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.

Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.

if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.

I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.

-me watching hockey

My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”

I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.

How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra

my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed

I wish they treated the presidential turkey pardon a little more like professional wrestling, and had like a senator from the opposing party sharpening a carving knife and licking his chops until the pardon goes through, and then he throws up his hands and storms out

I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.

No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.

“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.

“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”

“You mean the birds & the bees?”

“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”

I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!

But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.

Boss: Are you going to do any work today?

Me: Has it been optional this whole time?

*chases cat around the house with a lint roller

Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.

<~>Fortune Cookie<~>

We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.

I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.

Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.

How soon into a new relationship should you let her know you’re an idiot

Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.

My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.

I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.

Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?

Aaaaaand…send.

I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.

I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.