One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
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Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
Called it
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Thank you to the army of faceless accounts boosting my content
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
My 4yo’s teacher: He’s one of my model students.
Me [aghast]: My child?
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.