One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
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I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
how do y’all walk in shallow water
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there