One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
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[Controversial and unpopular statement]
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband: