Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.

Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem

In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.

Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.

13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.

33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.

I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.

The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat

Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition

Me: oh no

Doctor: and then you were in an accident

I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.

The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.

My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.

[car slides off road in a snowstorm]

Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me

[we both laugh as he drives away]

[still stuck 10 hours later]

Wife:
Me: I regret nothing

FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*

If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.

You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.

What flavor cupcake are these

cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen

: very

Wife: We need a new fridge.

Me: This is a terrible day.

Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.

Me: This is the best day of my life.

[buying an engagement ring]

clerk: that will be $10,000

me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh

You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof

chore hatred level:

considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes

I can turn wine into water about two hours after drinking it

Checkmate Jesus.

me: you misspelled school

8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word

me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far

Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’

A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.

And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.

[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]

ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery

Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know

[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree

You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork

My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.