Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.

I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.

I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.

My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.

I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.

Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster

Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.

Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.

Her: Have you planned your funeral?

Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.

Her: (Stares)

Me: What? Are you busy on that day?

also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies

My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?

Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable

The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation

Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”

Outside: [*raining clowns*]

Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:

🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality

My 9-year-old beat the system. I asked him what he wanted to be for Halloween and he said fisherman so he got new fishing pants and a fishing vest and a fishing hat. He’s all set up now for one night to trick or treat and a whole year of fishing.

“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”

“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”

“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”

one thing about September, everyday is about 5 people’s birthday 😭😭

“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”

Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.

I made a robot to help me argue on the internet

What I say: it’s time for bed

What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole

(at the tavern, 16th century) bro you cannot horse and buggy home. you’ve had too much ale. bro give me your reins right now

Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.

at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode

they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead

People say “Home is where the heart is”.

Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.

Idiots.

The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.

bartender: what are you having mate

guy who speaks in amazon product titles: yea can i get 2 Beer Beverage, Beer Cans, Portable Alcohol Beverage, Party Tailgate Birthday Event | Catering | Drinking Supplies | Aluminium, Silver (2-count)

When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.

me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap

angel: when was he resurrected

god: Sunday?

angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing

god: it was like early-mid April

angel: ok-

god: could’ve been March tho

angel:

god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit

angel: bruh