Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…

Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR

who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies

There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.

I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.

All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.

nobody’s ever dunked on babies this hard and never will

My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill

Ah. I see you moved your horsey piece to that other square. Intriguing gambit.

Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!

“stop hiding behind your goons and fight me one on one” look buddy we all have the same number of hours in a day, it’s not my fault you didn’t spend any time cultivating a corps of loyal goons

diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.

No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..

Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat

Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!

Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about

She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna

Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.

Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.

If caterpillars can become a melted sack of goo, and turn it around to become fabulous, so can you

Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.

Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.

*Gary pole vaults past us*

Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?

When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.

All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus

Interviewer: Do you show up on time?

Me *born three months premature*: No.

I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.

Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”

Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”

Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”

Everyone: *gasps*

My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.

I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.

*gets pulled over*

Do you know how fast you were going?

*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*

Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.

If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.

If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?