One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
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*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
At my last colonoscopy I had the doctor write a note to my wife stating that my head was NOT up there…
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
I forgot take my phone to the bathroom, so I had to start an argument about politics with the guy in the stall next to me
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
*child becomes teenager*
Me: is it too late to rethink having children
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.