One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
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Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
My life coach traded me.
met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Want to feel old?
This is what Kevin McCallister looks like now.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
“what’s it like having a sister?”
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon