Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Work crush came by to drop off zip ties while I was on the phone so I missed the opportunity to smile creepily and say “sorry we had to ask, I just don’t keep zip ties around… anymore.” Bc that’s how I flirt.

Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”

Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.

They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.

My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.

All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.

What about second breakfast?

Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”

<gets pulled over>

Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?

Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.

[texting]

you mean the wolf to me

-wolf?

ha! autocorrect fail!

-lol

what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me

Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.

Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.

“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion

son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”

If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.

Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.

Daddy, where do oranges come from?

Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…

Obsessed with when babies see a younger baby and say “baby!” Like girl, ur the Spider-Man meme right now

True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆

A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.

earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads

11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us

Me: Ok…

8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”

Me:

8yo:

11yo:

Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…

I was up all night reading about insomnia

Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25

TOTAL: $76.42

ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything

Three men are on a boat

They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.

So?

So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

You’re sliding into his DMs, I’m sliding under his bed to rob him after he falls asleep. We’re not the same but we can be accomplices if you want and split it 50/50

It kinda feels like this rn

just gave your address to some spiders

*eulogy*

Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo

Me: dad always hated my banjo

M: whew

Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now

Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran