One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
You Might Also Like
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
“Would you like a bag?” “Well yes obviously or else how else am I going to carry it” in a bag you brought from home like 50% of the other customers do hun 🙂
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
If anyone wants my boiling water recipe dm me
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose