One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
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Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Isn’t
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
My patience has stretch marks.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
My husband met us at the park and surprised me with a large iced coffee and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I just had a large iced coffee so now I’m vibrating and going to piss myself
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
