One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
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Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
To accommodate the size of my wife’s new water bottle we’ve replaced the passenger seat of her car with a cupholder
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
My dad teaching me to drive
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
I know I’m almost 40 because I had a few drinks last night and woke up this morning thinking: Oh no I bought SO MANY SOCKS online last night.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you