One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
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Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
when i was 20 my grandma made me a homemade rhino costume. no costume party no nothin i just wore it to work
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Like many men my age, my biggest regret is hiring the inexpensive hitman.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
Sure, I have a talent for shirking, but it’s not like I didn’t have to work at it too.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
The next time you’re hesitant to call or email your elected official because your issue doesn’t seem important enough…
Just remember how many times they texted you begging for $5
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
I bought some Prevagen to improve memory, focus, and concentration. Now, where did I put it… I just had it a minute ago… Anyway, what was I saying?
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”