Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.

7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside

ME: [explains daylight savings time]

7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.

After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall

Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.

Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.

Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?

Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.

i handle all my disagreements like an adult

dance off pants off karaoke

Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same

Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”

Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.

May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”

Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?

Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.

Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-

Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls

Cop: is that… is that less weird?

HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911

doctor: what seems to be the problem?

t-rex: I cant feel my legs

I accidentally left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days and boy does it smell like I left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days.

Parenting’s First Law of Physics:

An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.

Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles

grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk

In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline

My partner is sending me slides from orientation at her new job and it’s all like

– No more than 80 hours per week!
– 4 days guaranteed off per month!
– Shifts are capped at 28 hours!

Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.

*me, flirting*

Me: Hello.

Her: Nice to meet you.

Me: You don’t even really know that.

Her: It’s an expression.

Me: It’s rather presumptuous.

Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.

Me: See what I mean?

Unfair that the older I get, the clearer photo quality gets.

Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.

I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.

Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved

[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok

[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous