One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
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Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
Fun fact: A 10-minute walk in 93- degree weather lasts forever.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
8: but grandma let me
Me: well my mom is cooler than yours
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.