Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍

British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit

Me: *no idea what that means* haha same

“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.

2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah

ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear

THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?

ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s

Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy

Angel: yes that’s why you’re here

Hear me out – fortune hotdogs

Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story

I no longer need Google.

I have a 22 year old in college.

Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.

I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.

the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps

I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?

Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.

Me: Okay.

[30 minutes later]

Son: What keeps beeping??

Me: I have no idea

On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity

Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better

Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish

“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done

KID911: wats ur emergency

SON: sister is staring at me

KID911: did you tell her to stop

SON: yes! she isnt even blinking

KID911: omg ok take a deep breath

KID911: now scream for mom

[First Date]

Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)

Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome

Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-

Guy: *grazing*

me: your honor, the defense rests.

judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.

I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.

Noah

[1st date]

HER: I’m really into PETA

ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus

*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?

Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.

Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…

Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?

BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!

ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!

[ autumn, 1579 ]

pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!

spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!

susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth