One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
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Oooh. This looks like a fun and sensible web service on which to interact with folks of diverse points of view.
– Me, terrible with first impressions
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
My mother is bringing three of her favorite side dishes to dinner: green bean casserole, criticism, and passive aggressive comments
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
“LOOK JUST GIVE US THE BREAD, BARBARA, WE DON’T WANT TO HURT YOU”
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
This rocks
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
That sweet loving feeling when your kids have been asleep for a couple of hours, the house is quiet, and then you hear one of them get up to pee and you’re certain that not an ounce of urine is actually landing inside the toilet
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*