One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
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it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
let the world know you’re kind of a big dill
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
I’m going on a work trip for a few days — but my husband has just suspiciously bought himself 3 bunt cakes in various flavors and isn’t mentioning it at all.
chat, i am full of concern
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
Breaking news:
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*