One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
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ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Quit keeping your enemies closer. No wonder you feel like shit.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
“As an outsider, what’s your view on intelligence?”
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
What is the difference between unlawful and illegal?
One is against the law, the other is a sick bird
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
MEDIA: These mysterious ruins may hold unknown secrets!
ARCHAEOLOGIST: We actually have a pretty decent idea wh-
M: Archaeologists are stumped!
A: No, we have a good amount of evi-
M: Was it even humans?
A: Yes. Yes it was.
M: Perhaps we’ll never know!
A: *screams*
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..