One of the best
You Might Also Like
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
He’s cranky this morning
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
ready to be harvested
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
[in court during a murder trial]
hotdog vendor: HOOTTT DOOGGG
me: right here
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
That time a cat set off an atomic bomb in my coffee
that de-escalated quickly
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
Toddlers are like puppies, they don’t care if they’re dirty and smelly and they both have an affinity exploring the trash bin.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut