Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.

That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.

Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly

Landscaper: sounds like bullshit

Farmer: yes exactly

I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.

#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.

Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night

[Victora’s Secret]

Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?

[War in Heaven]

Lucifer: You must choose a side.

Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?

Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox

Wife: Aw that’s nice

[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich

It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy

*i put two straws in my drink*

gf: awhh 🙂

me: hell ya double barrel

*i use both straws*

I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume that he’s either a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again

Me: Screams into the void

Void: screams back

Me: Screams into void again

Void:

Me:

Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you

I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.

I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…

I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.

Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.

Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?

Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana

I would love to be the reason you look at your phone and smile

Then walk into a wall

to the people who put antlers & a nose on their car for xmas

u cant trick me .. i know its a car

*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?

Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.

Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.

Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?

My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful

When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you

In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.

I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay

guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name