One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
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Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
What
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?