One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
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90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
I’d like a food blog without recipes. Just stories of self-empowerment that somehow lead to butternut squash risotto.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
tweeting shouldn’t cost money but it should flip you on your back like a bug for 15 minutes
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
sometimes we need to be reminded
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”