One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
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ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
58.
When I go out on a Friday night, I choose my outfit based on what would look best in my mugshot
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Not messing around
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Another mom asked me if I had found the big L on my kids’ heads yet. I got super offended thinking she was calling my kids losers. It was lice. She was talking about lice.
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths