One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
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me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
they used to be called swing states. now they’re called battleground states. just another example of our sex-negative culture
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10