One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
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To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
dating apps never work for me because i need at least two years of friendship charged with weird sexual tension to even consider falling in love
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
peak technology
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to work on a Grizzly unless it has been given a strong anesthetic….
Ther’s safety in numb bears
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun