One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
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Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
omg the susans have started to replicate please send he
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Walking around the neighborhood trying to figure out where Amazon delivered my package this time is the self-checkout of online ordering
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
I was going to buy Oasis tickets but I found out if I set my money on fire in the backyard instead, I won’t have to pay for parking
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.