@simoncholland

One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.

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@EndhooS

[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain

@Marlebean

It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.

And also the truth that you’re a moron.

@writeden

Who called it getting stabbed by a sword and not death metal?

@Mothpete

I’d like to thank my skeletal system for all the support its given me over the years.

@samuelhlowe

Chasing a Pringles can down a slope is the closest I’ve ever been to hunting my own food.

@Skoog

cop: do you know who the murderer is?

detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead

cop: [obviously disappointed] oh

detective quasimodo: what?

cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important

@TheTweetOfGod

So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.

@Lhlodder

6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.

That stung.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Who made this mess?

8-year-old: Not me.

6-year-old: Not me.

4-year-old: Not me.

3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.

I have a suspect.