One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.

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[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain


It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.

And also the truth that you’re a moron.


Who called it getting stabbed by a sword and not death metal?


I’d like to thank my skeletal system for all the support its given me over the years.


Chasing a Pringles can down a slope is the closest I’ve ever been to hunting my own food.


cop: do you know who the murderer is?

detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead

cop: [obviously disappointed] oh

detective quasimodo: what?

cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important


So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.


6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.

That stung.


Me: Who made this mess?

8-year-old: Not me.

6-year-old: Not me.

4-year-old: Not me.

3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.

I have a suspect.