One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
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Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
spicy snake
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
there is a guy i see every single time i’m at the gym. morning, night, midday, twice a days, i’m like this is outrageous. today, i’m here & there are two of them. they’re twins lmao it’s all adding up
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
Most intimate spam text i’ve ever received
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
Drove by a woman with her car broken down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
Nice to finally get back that hour they stole earlier this year.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
who wants to go expliring
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.