One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
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Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
a gay boyfriend is kinda like a brother you have sex with
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
when i was on a menswear forum, a n00b claimed his shoes were handwelted, so an older forum member bought a pair of the shoes for $400, ripped them apart, and proved they were not handwelted, thus triggering a series of events that brought down a shoe factory in italy
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
As the Lord intended
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.