Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’m still crying at this

I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”

My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.

Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?

When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.

Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father

The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…

Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!

There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.

Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?

Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.

Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.

Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.

Me: seriously not a cult.

Dad: what do you call all those people?

Me:

Mom:

Dad:

Me: my followers.

Sorted

I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup

Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*

SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP

Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.

Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?

Guy: One ton

Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy

My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.

[being murdered]

Mailman: *murdering me*

Me: *being murdered*

My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT

Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.

ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start

Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…

I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades

Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.

Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11

A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance

I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖

🐷

🐽

*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you

I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?

Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs

Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us

me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours

My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches

[putting away groceries]

I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago

A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.

No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED