One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
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[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.