One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
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[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
Interviewer: Can you explain this 5-year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I didn’t have a job. Do you not know how resumes work?
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Watching Dirty Dancing as a teenager: Damn right nobody puts baby in a corner
Watching Dirty Dancing as an adult: That child needs to be handcuffed to one of her parents at all times
9: dad I don’t want to sleep in my room alone tonight. Can I sleep with you and mom?
me: aw bud, it’s okay. You won’t be alone in your room. There’s plenty of ghosts in there to keep you company.
9: MOM!
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.