Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.

Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.

My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.

Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?

16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?

I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”

“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”

i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car

*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*

“Scalpel.”

“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”

“If Affleck can be Batman…”

“Fair enough. Scalpel.”

This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all

Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.

I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.

Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.

The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.

HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks

ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely

When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID

There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.

Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.

Autocorrect is my menesis

hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register

2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.

I believe the children are our future.

But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.

if i had an evangelical homie i’d be doing this all the time

the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling

Hm.
No kidding?
HUH.
Really?
Wow, I did not know that.

– me, reading my daughter’s Driver’s Ed textbook

Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.

Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.

I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.

Me: *smiling from ear to ear*

Plastic surgeon: My bad.

The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.