One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
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I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
Never thought owning a bakery would have me handwrite love letters for long distance couples sending each other breads but here I am. This is literally the thirdest I’ve ever wheeled without even being even there
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
Me: For the twelfth day of Christmas, I got…
My true love: IF IT’S ANOTHER BIRD, I’M GOING TO LOSE MY SHIT.
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
No, I haven’t seen any dogs
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.