One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
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took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
to make olympic skateboarding more realistic they should release kids with scooters into the park that the competitors must navigate around
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
I love twitter
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
You didn’t get fired, your job “fumbled you”
Found out I can’t run the air fryer, toaster, and microwave at the same time, but on the plus side I’m pretty sure I took a screenshot of the kitchen
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Its a hippotatomus
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.