One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
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ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
all of the other names pharrell tried to become known by are so bad it’s almost impressive
You can buy a family sized shawarma platter it’s okay they don’t even check
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Me in tagged photos
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
British websites use biscuits.