@bransonreese

One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there

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@robdelaney

Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?

@baronvonbike

Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”

@UberFacts

Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.

@ArrowsOfTheSun

Yeah the sun is hot, but have you ever stopped to think about its personality?

@mom_ontherocks

[Having a tea party]

Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*

Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”

@BobbleheadMagy

I’ve never been in love but I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.

@Whatevah_Amy

If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.

@JesseWeller

You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.

@The_Albinoshrek

I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed