One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
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Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!