One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there

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Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?


Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”


Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.


Yeah the sun is hot, but have you ever stopped to think about its personality?


[Having a tea party]

Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*

Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”


I’ve never been in love but I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.


If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.


You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.


I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed