One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
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HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
I can’t 🤣🤣🤣
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
nothing saves money like being antisocial
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.