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I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Just yelled “LET’S DO THIS” when getting into my car, so my neighbors think I am doing something way cooler than my weekly Target run.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce