You Might Also Like
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
pls suprot
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over