One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
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[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
The women working in my office will wear a live bear on their back if it’s lower than 71°
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
Someone stole the C and L off my work besties door, which I guess was probably pretty predictable in hindsight…
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?