One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
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[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
Tickling is the most absurd bodily function.
Here, let me use feathers to completely incapacitate you.
Oooh. This looks like a fun and sensible web service on which to interact with folks of diverse points of view.
– Me, terrible with first impressions
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
Should I call tech support or pray or what
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm