One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
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Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Every full moon my house turns into a storage facility. It’s a werehouse.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
