Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.

Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario

There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar

“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves

Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.

Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!

Me right now holding my cough in because we have a guest and I’m already in my pj’s and in bed so I’m really not available to go to the living room to say hello and I don’t want the guest to hear me cough

How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons

I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?

I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate

Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.

ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?

stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay

SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.

[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”

Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.

I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office

– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch

Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.

“No screens allowed.”

On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.

“This is your mother now.”

If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales

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There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.

Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician

Tough love is true love

My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.

“It’s the most wonderful crime of the year!” I crooned running away with the pot of Santa’s donations.

The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE

Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me

Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then

GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE

I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone

Jesus: Time for a miracle!

Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch

Jesus:

Puritan:

Jesus: who likes fish

All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.