Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as doctor]

me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep

patient: how can you tell?

me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders

*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers

Worlds greatest photobomb

temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now

a dragon: i see

Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.

I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.

my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking

they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year

JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body

JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood

JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat

Look, I respect the skill. But no.

If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go

Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.

Me: Okay.

Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?

Me: Quick

Im sick of the microsoft authenticator like who would be logging in to do my work? Tf 😭😭😭😭

When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.

My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.

living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated

I distinctly remember someone asking me to do them a favor and me responding with an enthusiastic “consider it done”…but that was a few weeks ago and I can’t remember who asked or what the favor was 😬

i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side

Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever

[The Last Supper]

Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.

My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.

When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]

If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.

My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter

I’d like to speak to America’s manager.

[first day as a pilot]

control tower: what’s your location

me: i’m in the cockpit

control tower: i mean where is the airplane

me: mainly behind me

On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.

Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”

STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”

ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”

SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”

ME: “It bends and everything.”

SM: “I’ve seen better.”

Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.

My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.