One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
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When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
“Cows kill more people than sharks.”
“I’m surprised cows kill any sharks at all.”
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
just once id like to see people talking about a murder victim in an average way. like yeah tony always hated going food shopping. decent guy tho