Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do I speak Spanish?

Oui!

*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.

*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*

The Pasta:

*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”

*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*

Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:

Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?

15: good

what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open

A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.

Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.

I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.

Some guy in the middle of my Nosferatu screening took out his phone and googled ‘Nosferatu’

If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.

There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen

My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.

If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.

why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean

Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family

[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd

In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.

Mary had a little lamb.

The doctor fainted.

[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]

Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up

Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?

Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.

I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.

Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you

What is a picnic?

Correct!

[on a first date]

“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”

captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship

sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir

WTF IS THAT!

“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.

DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.

ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.

Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.

in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.