Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.

I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls

if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about

Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)

This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.

Not sure how it’s happened but my phone has started autocorrecting ‘thinking’ to ‘honking’ which has dramatically undermined about 90% of texts I’ve sent recently

a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition

I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.

me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad

wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE

The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.

Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too

[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*

Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.

How to be a politician 101:

Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.

I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.

Me: 3 miles today.

Him: On the treadmill?

Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.

Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind

I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.

I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.

I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.

But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.

Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?

Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.

Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex

In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.

I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.

Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-

Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-

Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*

cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food

Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands

In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.

Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.

T Mobile confirming my account via text when I have no service will not be lost on me.

Men: Masters of multitasking – can watch sports, ignore laundry, and forget your birthday, all at once.