One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
Them: “let me know if i’m ever annoying you”
Me: *10 seconds later “ok… well this is awkward”
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
No way!
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
The dishwasher was emptied, clothes put in their hampers, and wet towels hung up without me doing any of it.
There’s only one possible explanation. We have a poltergeist
