One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
never vacuuming so i don’t disrupt my carpet’s natural micro biome
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
No regrets in 2018
