one of the dumbest varieties of video you see on social media is the whole “this guy built a complete pub/bar/etc in his home!” thing. a bar is a place you go to that has other people. dress it up however you want you’re still drinking alone in your basement, man
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
Don’t work for at least an hour after lunch or you’ll get cramps.
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Put my back out twerking in the library again
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Cop lights are so pretty at night
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
