One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
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My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
Don’t talk down to me
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
Blew my mind.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute