Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
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I almost always wear black. Not because I’m depressed or trying to be all dark, but because I’m single and don’t want to separate laundry.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
When he finally says those three little words you’ve been waiting to hear – I bought cheese.
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
That awkward moment when your stormtrooper army loses a battle to a bunch of teddy bears with sticks and stones.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
I hope I die alone. I mean, you’d have to be a pretty big jerk to hope others die with you.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work