@DirtMcTurd

One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together

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@Staggfilms

Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?

@Sarcasticsapien

I almost always wear black. Not because I’m depressed or trying to be all dark, but because I’m single and don’t want to separate laundry.

@nigelgodwin

How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..

@Divergentmama

When he finally says those three little words you’ve been waiting to hear – I bought cheese.

@DepressedDarth

That awkward moment when your stormtrooper army loses a battle to a bunch of teddy bears with sticks and stones.

@mastrap84

Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here

Also me: I wonder how I can contribute

@chrissyteigen

If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!

@Sarcasticsapien

I hope I die alone. I mean, you’d have to be a pretty big jerk to hope others die with you.

@50FirstTates

genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u

me: random rule but ok

genie: seriously don’t even try

me: ok i won’t

genie:

me:

genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work