One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
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I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
The old gods are rising again.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door