One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
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Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
My 3yo just told me, wrathfully, “Well, if you won’t play with me then I’m gonna take a NAP on the COUCH!”
Ooooh. That’ll show me.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging