One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
You Might Also Like
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
sometimes ppl ask why they got blocked and it’s bc you posted something annoying so i looked you up, found your address, went to your home, snuck inside, looked in your wardrobe, and didn’t like what i saw
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
I just ate the last piece of cheese in the fridge and it’s cloudy outside.
🎶 Ain’t no sunshine when cheese gone.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
DHL: Hi! We popped by!
Me: No you didn’t
DHL: But there wasn’t anyone in!
Me: Yes there was
DHL: Would you like us to divert your parcel to a local service point?
Me: *Sigh* fine
DHL: Well we can’t!
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.