One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
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Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
i can’t wait that long
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
I march to the beat of my own dumb
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
And bowling should be called pinball
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.