One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
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My Sentiments Exactly
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
Don’t tell me what to do
fair
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
if i text u “🪗” it means u better start acting accordingly
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
*staring at a ripped hoodie from 2002*
*glances over at a pile of new hoodies*
Me: Yep, time to stitch you up again, little buddy.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.