One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
When god closes a door my 10yr old opens 15 kitchen cupboards and walks away.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
Match dot com, but for socks.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
I could compete in the Olympics, I just need to run or swim faster. I think it would be easy to do
Whenever a news article says the world’s oldest person has died, they never mention the suspects. Who stands to gain from this? Did they have any enemies? What about the second oldest person? What’s their alibi?
It’s Journalism 101, people!
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
I put the h in mysterious.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
