One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
make up your mind
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
こいつ天才
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
