Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*

[first day as waiter]

Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?

Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.

My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.

My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.

I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.

Ate.

If you’re alone on Thanksgiving, venmo me $25 and I’ll call and ask you when are you gonna get a “real” job and give me grandchildren.

[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]

Me: GET A JOB!!

Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby

Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!

Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”

Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?

Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”

Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat

Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.

I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”

It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.

Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time

*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*

~Christmas shopping for my wife

a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole

People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook

It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition

[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost

me *breaking the fourth wall*

architect: oh no

Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.

Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.

Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.

What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.

if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style

[2025]

Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.

[scrolling hinge while high] am I really to determine the future love of my life by whether or not they put pineapple on pizza

[scrolling hinge while drunk] I see you also like hanging out. do u wanna get matching tattoos

Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.

When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.