Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: what’s your last name?

me: it’s French

her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?

me: no my last name is literally just French.

her: oh how fun, do you speak French?

me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?

Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.

Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”

Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.

when the buffet is more honest than your date

Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.

*trying a new meal*

Wife: how do you like it?

Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good

*mops up wine with cat*

* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *

My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.

friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM and

me:
I’m already out.

I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip

[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*

“Twister 3” should be told from a cow’s POV.

food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach

Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it

[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back

office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance

3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!

Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*

We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.

Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.

Foolishly set my YouTube account up on the main house TV. Now she knows what I’m watching. Not a problem, but she also saw my own vids about restoring a land rover and how much its costing. Now I’m in trouble.

Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.

The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…

I’m gonna miss that baby…

If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”

the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO

If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now

When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.

Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window

If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.