Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you

Godzilla represents a desire in all of us for our reputation to shift from being seen as a baddie to a good guy while changing our behaviour in no way, shape or form.

*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet

*watches the news*
Oh

I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.

She wanted me to impress her in the bedroom so I showed her my organised sock drawer and my fresh matching bedding

me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?

3: it smells hot

Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”

“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats

I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.

So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.

There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug

Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it

{concert}

lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!

me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC

You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!

*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*

Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here

ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant

CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner

ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–

*goose with a badge waddles in*

ME: okay but i’m driving this time

If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up

unless I’m driving

I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”

There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity

I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair

my best friend is a doula and while attending a birth last night, her husband used their shared spotify account at home…which meant that “cotton eyed joe” began blasting right as the mom began to push 💀💀💀

[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]

Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*

I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.

My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.

I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear

Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”

My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.

At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table

You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?

Hahahaa WHY!!??

Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?

-Asking for a friend.