one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
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My favorite part about wearing a romper is getting completely naked in public restrooms.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
“tom cruise does his own stunts” ok? so do i. i just have fewer stunts to do. fewer stunts are being asked of me
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
Apparently it’s illegal to sell a bottle, a rag, and a pint of gasoline as fireworks to the neighborhood kids here in Nashville
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it