One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
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– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
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Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
pep talk
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no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.