One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
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Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
*weighs self after shaving
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
Want to try some vegetable chips? They don’t taste as good as potato chips, but on the plus side, they’re way more expensive.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
never compromise your values
