One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
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My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
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I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
Only short people can save us
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If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
A food delivery system that only delivers food containing potatoes.
Tuber Eats.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.