Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.

You are a psycho with mascara.

I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband

Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.

I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.

Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”

They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.

Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?

Me: *hands cash*

I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.

It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.

Went to my buddy’s house and he thought this absolute monster was gonna slip by without further inquiry

My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.

just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.

me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁

My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,

and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.

[being murdered]

me: hey are u Scottish

murderer: actually i am

me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

Chappell Roan sounds like a place they have to defend in Lord of the Rings.

‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”

FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.

Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:

front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree

sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*

prison guard: ok you’re free to go

“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do

As someone who was born in August, I find the word leotard extremely offensive.

“And what is it about this job that appeals to you?”
“Well, I can fit it in around my lifestyle. Also being able to pardon myself for the crimes I’ve committed”

[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)

❤️❤️❤️

Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish

Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right

Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?

me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?

taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee

Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”