Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: it’s like a dream come true

UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen

scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”

I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.

Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”

Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.

genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud

Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit

I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.

My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.

Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché

Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.

2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(I’m not deleting this)

My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub

take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.

[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what

Kid: why do cookies look so happy?

Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked

Kid: I wanna get baked

Me: me too kid… me too

Church Pugh’s

I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.

I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.

Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.

Currently having a shit in the toilets on the roof of St Peter’s Basilica in the Vatican and I’m more excited than I should be and just needed to tell someone

My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge

Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat

I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️

BILLION DOLLAR IDEA

A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up

friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear

[later]

tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!

me: holy shit it’s him

Cop: license and registration.

Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.

Cop: where is it?

Me: I have absolutely no idea.

Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.

It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.