One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
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I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
the three genders
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
Please vote for people who are attractive