Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK

My granddaughter told me that her boss wanted her to sign up for a 401k but she told him that there was no way she could run that far.

zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?

me: no, not yet!

zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do

I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.

money maker

The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.

Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.

Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people

in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there

If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents

Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”

My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.

Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.

All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.

Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.

[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one

My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.

My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.

Toothpick use time frames:

30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it

60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth

90 seconds – Things are getting weird

120 seconds – Sexual predator

”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie

Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.

EVERYBODY SHUT UP the plane they use to fly the horses from all over the world to the Olympics for the equestrian events is called AIR HORSE ONE

Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.

Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air

“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.

Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”

sugar glider wrangler

“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.

Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.

Him: don’t you want your umbrella?

Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining

Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is

Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin

I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.

Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.