Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.

Mistakes were made

An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.

wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote

Me: *making table side guacamole*

Priest: Please get off the altar

When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.

I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.

A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.

Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping

Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.

I’m going to need help writing his obituary.

Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”

Her: “Yes”

Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”

“Wait, what?!”

An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.

Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.

Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.

Ironic

eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys

I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!

sometimes we need to be reminded

Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.

20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible

If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.

Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?

Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.

Mine has been gone 6 years.

Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat

Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”

Imagine sex with me – no, more hot dogs

I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?

“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”

Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce

Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark

Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.